In a nutshell… this summer has made me face a hurdle bigger than one I thought I could jump over. Okay, so I haven’t jumped over it yet but with the help of a few beyond amazing friends I’m finding that we can carry each other over it with a bit more ease. Perhaps going OVER something isn’t even what we are doing. Its more like trying to walk through a huge valley filled with honey. Its sticky and extremely hard to take steps forward yet still sweet and with someone behind you pushing you forward even the slightest bit you are each able to become stronger. Silly comparison- but it works for me.
At least once a day I think back to July first. When Lacie stopped texting because she heard Al had been in a car accident but didn’t quite know the specifics yet. Nothing like this had even crossed my mind for a second. I figured the worst that had happened would be a few broken bones and the cruddy situation that he wouldn’t be able to play soccer right away in the fall. I was wrong. We all were wrong. But he’s here, isn’t he? Absolutely. I’m not going to write into detail about that whole thing on here because I figure if you are even reading this that you know what has been going on for the last month and 5 days.
I lay in my bed at night trying so hard to think of ways I can lift Lacie, Don and Vickie over that stupid valley of honey and I just don’t know how. I am only so strong… and I hate that. You know me- always wanting to make things better as fast as possible. Well it turns out that God is making me slow down this time and appreciate my life one day at a time. “One step at a time” one could say. I see my best friend and my second family crumbling and I can’t put the pieces back together but sometimes, even for just a few seconds, I can hold those pieces in my arms and comfort them with as much strength as God gives me. Its His plan, not mine. That right there is so hard to really feel in my mind and my heart on a day to day basis. His plan. I hate writing these things cause my mind jumps around so quickly- so I apologize right now for the jumps from thought to thought.
So the title of this little (or not so little) post comes from last night. It was just a Tuesday and I had already worked my 8 hour day at
While enjoying the incredible weather of a Minnesota night and sipping on what I believe were our favorite Caribou drinks, the two of us “caught up on life” before he goes off to enjoy an awesome semester in England. It wasn’t the normal quick chat about what we’ve both been doing since the last time we really got to talk but instead we of course did some recaps of funny summer nights we’ve had and talked about how work has been going and all that jazz… but we got to just talk about life and how precious it is, and living it day to day is really the best way anyone can live it. I’m going to be honest- I haven’t just talked about life like that with anyone but my girls in quite some time because all I’ve been able to think about is Al, and all of us being stuck in that stupid honey. I talked a lot (surprise, eh?) but Gritti is an awesome listener and still got to put in his own ideas and thoughts as well. As you may know, I really like to talk things out that are running through my mind and its been really hard to keep so many things bottled up inside lately. For instance… there was that one Tuesday night that I stayed awake until at least 3am just thinking, crying, and writing in a notebook trying to organize SOMETHING in my head. That didn’t work out too well, but everyone has nights like that from time to time. But last night sitting at that table and drinking coffee I just talked. I didn’t cry and I didn’t think too much about what I was saying. Gritti if you are reading this by some chance- thanks again. That “see you later” hug may have been the most comforting hug I’ve had in a long time!
Its just crazy how God works. It baffles me every day and in the best way. I had no agenda for myself to leave that Caribou feeling so different in my heart and in my mind but God knew the whole day. In fact- he knew it Monday night when Gritti and I both showed up at Go Gas at the same time. The little things like that remind me that its possible to get through the valley and that it will happen with the help of the most unexpected people and at the most unexpected times. One thing that we talked about last night was self esteem and being secure with ourselves before we can be in healthy and positive relationships… and its so true. Even with my friendships I need to be confident in who God created Mary to be. I need to know that I can help in certain ways even if they aren’t the ways I think I should be able to help in. When I hear a cry from my friends or see them knocked down onto the ground- sometimes all I really am supposed to do is hold them and make them smile and laugh from time to time. I need to be confident in that.
This is so random- but welcome to my life. My thoughts don’t flow very well and there are far too many of them. Maybe this blog thing will be good for me. Long story short… last night was just what I needed to feel like the days can be bright despite the darkness. That living for TODAY is the best thing I can do instead of worrying about tomorrow. Or the weekend. Or the week ahead. Its hard to accept that fact that we might not have tomorrow with the people we had it with today- but its reality. We’re going to be knocked down but nobody said we had to stay there. Rely on God and rely on the people in your life that are going to help you get up no matter what. My family has picked me up time and time again, sometimes when they don’t even know they’re doing it. That’s God for ya. And my friends- well they are more incredible than I thought was possible. No one can understand the bond that I have with Lacie, Elizabeth and Kelly because in the last 5 years we have experienced more hardship than anyone 15-20 years old should have to endure. The cool thing is that things haven’t ripped us apart but every day make us love each other more and more. I wish I could put our friendship into words but that is simply impossible.
I love my life. I’m going to take it one step at a time and see where I go.
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